The Neon Locusts

Every nice sunny day now in the Snoqualmie Valley we are descended upon by a horde of neon spandex wearing bicyclists, it is truly awful if you live here.

You might well think well these people are harmless, they are getting exercise and they aren’t increasing the carbon footprint and so on so what in fact is the harm? Let me tell you.

I call these abominations the “loud family” because as they stomp through life everything they do is loud. As they stand five feet away from each other they scream about their tiny ambitions, about how many miles they rode and how many miles they will go next week, about bike accoutrements and the hideous clothing thereof. Yes, they even dress as loudly as possible, some wear electrified clothes that flash and blink, others wear clothing so garish you would swear it has secret power crystals enmeshed therein. But at all times it is loud, loud and more loud.
These people do not live here. They come from Bellevue and Redmond, the hills of Seattle couture and the Woodinville’s of the world to evangelize their freakish hobby across our countryside. As we try and drive somewhere or commute through our beautiful, simple green countryside full of quiet farms we have to be constantly be visually assaulted by the Neon Nannettes. If asked, they will explain the roads “are theirs too”. Of course roads are paid for with gas taxes and various motor vehicle fees and who knows if these folks actually pay a cent for the roads. If however, I walked through THEIR neighborhood with my dog (on a leash of course), along the route they commute to work, the doctor and grocery store, holding hands across the road to make sure we blocked traffic, I really doubt they would see the humor. That is exactly what these people do, what they think is so cool, block our traffic at 3pm during rush hour on weekdays.

These people are not commuting to work. They are doing nothing useful at all other than killing time with their friends. I have the utmost respect for that solitary biker wearing rain gear and pedaling to work at 5am because he can’t afford a car, or is trying to save money to buy a house. I have done this twice myself once in Lynnwood and once in Burbank Ca. I know people now who bike to work. I also have a bike and take it places where I want to park the car (such as Leavenworth) and then use the bike to go to the store and get supplies or look around the rest of the weekend. I don’t block hiway 2.

Yesterday we discussed bike paths. The wife pointed out that even when peddlars have a bike path they wobble over on the road edge to block traffic or block the whole lane while they are chatting to their friends about how their nuts are going numb. Going down Hiway 203 yesterday she commented on how she thinks money should be spent to build more bike path and trails. I said “honey if you look 50 yards to your right you will see a beautiful scenic bike path that runs the length of the Snoqualmie Valley”. But no one was on that of course, it was empty. What fun would that be? Who would see their garish outfits that clash with life itself?

As they say; a bicycler runs into someone walking their dog on the Burke Gillman trail and says “get out of my way I am on a bike”, as they pedal precariously by doing 25mph, later as they go down the road they tell someone trying to drive down the hiway203 (limit 55) , “hey get out of my way I am on a bike”! As they go along at 25mph. There militancy can be seen in the annual bike thing they have in Seattle where they ball up traffic on purpose and every year the violence and fights get worse. I am not going to name it to give it any publicity.

Your little dog and pony show is not needed here, take your Halloween costumes and go home. Ball up traffic and create scenes in your own neighborhood. This is not a Disneyland playground for the tragically hip, it is where we live and work and have to commute. Figure out ways to make your own neighborhood scenic and rustic and then stay there.

Matt, I dedicate this to you.