The Black Leather, Paunchy, Hordes: Being a Biker

I was just at the gas station trying to remember which side my gas cap was on when I noticed two lesbians on a Harley taking off. The front/driver/husband had on a wife beater t-shirt, huge arm tattoos on her huge arms, and a grim visage. They were both about 50 years old, 5’5” and 250 pounds. Although you would normally never say a full sized Harley is too small for two people, this one certainly appeared to be so. I hope they don’t encounter any sharp corners…good bye and good luck..ah..ladies!
I was considering how people who buy Harleys and bike around now feel the need to play “dress up” very similar to how the peddlers who I call the “neon hordes” feel the need to don a certain type of hideously bright, skin tight second skin costume to feel like they can pedal their bicycles leisurely down the middle of our local highways. http://425talker.blogspot.com/search?q=neon
I know at the turn of the century some women referred to the swim suits of the day as a “swimming costumes” maybe that is what is developing today. People seem to feel the need to identify with certain groups and assume that they must broadcast their allegiance so you will know for sure what-the-fuck they truly are. I suppose this is why evangelical Christians feel driven to wear logo shirts, get tattoos on their calves of Calvary, and having fish bumper stickers swimming sideways on their Volvos.
There is a man I know whose nickname is “little Mike” (or thereabouts) and he is quite diminutive. He does have a Harley though, and a full beard, long hair, (looks like Hagred in Harry Potter)long wallet hanging out the back attached with chain, black t-shirts that usually say something about Harleys, biking or drinking, and black boots of course. At times someone will say “Watch out for little Mike… he IS a biker you know”, laughingly.
If you own a Harley almost every article of clothing you wear needs to be black. One group of people I occasionally visit in the Fall City area all wear so much black that I stick out like a sore thumb with a red jacket and blue jeans. Also you really need to fight the helmet thing with all your might, ala Jack Nicholson in “Easy Rider” wearing the football helmet. A half helmet, Nazi style, or maybe even an old ass WW1 leather helmet, but whatever it is it has to be as non-protective and goofy as possible. It has been fun to watch a female friend accessorize herself, now that she dates a man that owns I believe, two Harleys. She has donned the doo-rag on her head and is trying bravely to appear as “bikeresque” as possible. One of the most bizarre examples is a man I met who had the back covering, spread winged Harley logo on his jacket, the same logo the same size on his vest and on his t-shirt. I remarked on this. He said “yeah that goes skin deep too, if you want me to take off my shirt”. I allowed I believed him, without the need to see more corporate logos.

Biker definition: Merriam-Webster says a biker is a “motorcyclist especially one who is a member of a organized club or group”
Biker definition: according to Me: (1)A biker is a person who rides their bike rain or shine, summer or winter to all activities they participate in, including work, school, dating and mom’s house. (2) Someone who is the member of a club or gang and they wear colors and have office titles like “Bandidios Sergeant at Arms”.

Unfortunately, Harleys are expensive and few dudes who are 20 and struggling with their first job can afford one. Most Harleys these days are ridden by fat, middle aged, Microsoft developers and they only come out on weekends, (in the summer when it is unseasonably nice), where they drive them down to the local tavern in someplace like Duvall, where they can stand outside in their leather chaps and leather vests and look at the latest chrome gew-gaw they paid someone else to install on their $27,000 dollar “bike”. This is fine and good I suppose, but owning a consumer good does not change your personality or make you tough, or much of anything really. You are just someone who gets to play dress up all summer instead of only on October 31st. Are these people bikers? Well…not to me.

Of course there are those two who play biker and have a Harley knockoff or worse yet a Goldwing. Finally there are the biker wannabes and they dress in Harley gear and don't have a bike at all...WTF?

I suppose I think more of a book written by Hunter S. Thompson titled: “Hell's Angels: The Strange and Terrible Saga of the Outlaw Motorcycle Gangs” as true bikers. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/index.html?curid=1648890

Why these baby-boomers are trying to pretend they are tough, tattooed Harley ridin’ bikers, I can only guess, midlife crisis? Thinking the purchase of an overly loud motorcycle will give them courage and freedom? I can’t say only watch and wonder. I suppose it is easy enough; you don’t have to exercise or get in shape, you don’t have to read or practice or learn anything, you just have to buy a dangerous toy and you have a whole new exciting life………. They try and cram lost cubicle years into a few crazy weekends, riding their expensive avatars over to Winthrop, dressed in the finest biker livery, Steppenwolf songs playing in their gray haired heads.